Scientific Operations

E34 dead battery survival guide

Step Zero: prepare yourself.

Get a jump pack right now

Like this one or maybe this one. Make sure it's at least 700 amps. Buy it right now and bring it home and plug it in to charge overnight.

Step One: pop the hood.

Factory method:

Equipment needed:

You have to turn the key whilst having the handle lifted up. This is for the driver door. The passenger door is mirrored.

Problem: if the door is double-locked, you need power to unlock it, and the emergency whatever won't work. If you can get into the trunk, and you can take apart the truck light mount and put 12V on the leads, that will power your locks as well, and you can unlock the doors.

Hood poppin':

Equipment needed
Get a flashlight and peer into the crack of the hood on the driver side, push in the screw driver, with the blade horizonal, about 5" from the chrome edge of the grill, turn the blade horizontal and push the handle of the screwdriver to the passenger side (your left). This will lever the blade into the hood release. Open the hood and put the jump pack on like normal and after a couple minutes you should be able to unlock the car.

Vandal charging:

Equipment needed:
Jack up the car. Where to put the jack depends on whether you're using the factory jack in the trunk or a floor jack you bought. Once you jack up the car, put a jack stand in place. The starter is on the driver side of the car, so jack up the front driver side. Here is where to put the jack:

Put head under car. Look for the bolt on the starter indicated by the green arrow. It might be under a rubber cap; the starter will be bolted into the transmission and will look like a cylinder with a smaller cylinder next to it. Put the + clamp on that bolt and the - clamp somewhere on the engine. Turn on the jump pack and wait a few minutes... you should then be able to unlock the car. Take all the shit off, pop the hood, and jump-start the car as normal. The same trick works with the positive wire coming off the alternator, but I can't find a picture.

Step Two: jump-start the engine.

Jump starting:

Open the hood. Attach jump pack clamps:

Wait a few minutes and start the car.

Step Three: drive away.

It'll take at LEAST 30-60 minutes of driving to bring back the battery. Have the jump pack on hand in case the battery is fucked. If the battery is fucked, go here and find the nearest Interstate dealer to get a replacement.

Appendix One: gear supply list.

All this shit can be got at any auto parts store. Or wal-mart.

Appendix Two: document control.

Last edited at 7:27 PDT 12 APR 2019